Authenticity Amid Imperfection: Civilizing the Tongue
Proverbs 18:21
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits."
There are those who argue that positive affirmation, (speaking only affirmative words) builds faith and avoids "faith-destroying" doubt, while speaking in negative terms invites the very problems they hope to overcome. This view treats the tongue as a creative force that can "call things that are not as though they were", sometimes drawing loosely from verses like Proverbs 18:21. However, when elevated to an absolute rule in ministry, it distorts the full biblical pattern of faithful speech and shepherding.
When I think about these things, when compiling my words thoughtfully, I recognize that some will, as a consequence of my words, fall under conviction. I've learned a lot about this dynamic in my work. I'm very often mitigating between two spouses as we try to discern what sort of help I can provide in regard to their landscape design needs. And sometimes, actually most times, I'll recognize it happening in real time and quickly qualify my words with affirmation statements like, "it's okay to not like a certain plant or scope of work". Or in a case where I'm running down options and I discern that they're uncommitted because they don't want to make the wrong choices, I again quickly inject an encouraging message, "there's no wrong answer", "in landscape design things aren't that cut and dry."
So I find I can set their minds at ease as we draw closer to the solution they didn't know they wanted, or the answer they couldn't articulate. I'm attempting to ease the tension, reduce anxiety, and help people move forward toward a solution they can own.
I'm not always good at this. In fact, sometimes I'm not very good at this at all. But I affirm myself by saying (to myself), "you can be yourself, not always being the model of thoughtful, kindhearted rhetoric." It's okay to speak YOUR mind. Even when the fall out might not reflect a Christ-like attitude.
In my work and my ministry, my desire is always for authenticity amid my imperfections. I believe it’s human to fall short in the moment, especially when navigating spouses’ differing visions, budget pressures, or indecision in landscape design. And likewise when navigating the prison ministry landscape. When you're mitigating between felons, rival gang members, warring religious factions, and a world of ideological differences, you have to keep your head on a swivel and a curb on your enthusiasm.
It occurs to me that what we're talking about is the civilization of the tongue. An endeavor that requires situational awareness and great self-control. The very things Jesus often talked about to his followers.
But I find it interesting that Jesus himself, a man noted for kindness and compassion, often spoke in negative terms, but with a lot of "be" attitudes. He told them to be "wise as serpents and innocent as doves" (Matthew 10:16). He warned, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matthew 26:41).
"Be wise...", because you're likely NOT being that.
"Watch and pray", because it's likely you're NOT doing those things and you ARE falling into temptation.
He's speaking in negative terms without speaking negative words. This approach doesn’t eliminate "negative" reality (sin, temptation, persecution, foolishness); it confronts it by directing their hearts and minds toward what should be true of them in the kingdom.
The "be" calls them to rise above their default. It's not some vaguely defined well meaning gobbledygook goop, it's a command, "Watch", "pray", "Go and sin no more". Not feel-good suggestions or motivational fluff. They are commands from the King of the kingdom. and summon us upward into a new reality made possible by His grace. Jesus doesn’t tiptoe around our weaknesses. He names them plainly; the flesh is weak, temptation is real, wolves surround the sheep, sin has consequences, yet He frames the response as active obedience. "Rise".
In John 8:11, after defending the woman caught in adultery and refusing to condemn her (the grace-filled part), Jesus says, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."
It’s not a polite suggestion or a positive affirmation like "You’re forgiven, so just live your best life."
It’s a directive:
Stop the lifestyle of sin.
Choose a new trajectory.
The same tone appears in John 5:14 with the healed man at the pool:
"See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse may happen to you."
Jesus links ongoing sin to real danger. These statements acknowledge the negative reality (we do sin, and returning to it leads to worse bondage or judgment) while issuing a positive command to break free from his habits and walk in the new freedom He’s providing.
Jesus doesn’t say, "Just be positive and everything will be fine."
He commands shrewd alertness (don’t be naive, and discern danger, don’t rush foolishly into harms way) paired with pure innocence.
But this doesn't mean we become like the wolves that come in sheep's clothing. Jesus isn’t telling His followers to become sneaky or manipulative; He’s commanding practical street-smarts and vigilance so they don’t rush foolishly into harm. "Innocent as doves", is an expression of pure motives, gentleness without guile, maintaining a blameless conduct and a peaceable character. And it's very difficult to do, especially in ministry because we want certain outcomes and often try to help it along, jumping ahead of the convicting works of The Holy Spirit.
In prison ministry and even in my work with my clients. We see a need; gang tensions, ideological rifts, a spouse locked in indecision, or a felon circling old patterns, and our desire for good outcomes can push us to "help it along." We speak too quickly, steer too forcefully, qualify too much (or too little). This is where dove-like innocence gets tested most. Pure motives can easily slide into control when we’re invested in results.
Jesus modeled the opposite perfectly. He discerned hearts instantly (situational awareness), spoke truth that sometimes convicted very sharply, but never forced outcomes. He let people walk away. He wept over unrepentant cities, and trusted the Father’s timing. Pause. Discern. Speak (or stay silent) with clean hands and a peaceable heart.
This is hard precisely because ministry and involves a real love for people and zeal for good fruit. But the command reminds us the outcome belongs to God. Our role is faithful, Spirit-dependent presence, just show up and speak truth.
Amen