Remember the wonders he has performed, his miracles, and the rulings he has given - Psalm 105:5
In the fall of 2003 I began journaling about the new path I was taking. I began seeking a relationship with Jesus Christ through his word about five years prior to that. And in that time I wore out several study bibles and began reading anything and everything I could find on the subject of faith, theology, and the history of the church. I was looking for answers, I was looking for God's truths, and mostly I was looking for myself (in so much as to how God saw me).
For an unknown number of weeks going forward I want to reach back into those journals and rediscover where I was and where God has brought me to now. I'm encouraged by the apostle Paul's words, "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." (1 Corinthians 9:24). I hope to gleen some new understanding and appreciation as I reflect upon the work God has been doing within me.
God set a course before me, he arranged this race and it's up to me to run it, to press on, to avoid abandoning the track. (Spoiler alert) Perseverance is the secret I've learned, endurance produces strength. But it's sometimes good to review the track and the things (trials) you faced along the way. It's good to allow iron to enter into your soul. Trials, questions, confusions, and revelations, builds us up into a person perfected in our relationship with Christ Jesus and his light. These challenges, these sometimes painful experiences puts iron into our souls (psalm 105:18). They strengthen and train us for the weight of responsibility that lays ahead. Therefore we should not run like someone running aimlessly. We should not fight like a boxer wildly beating the air. No, we train our mind, body, and spirit, and we make them slaves to God's truth so that after we have witnessed to others, we will not be disqualified for the prize.
And sometimes it's good to go back and get back to the basics. And what better way then to remember the wonders God has performed in my life. So, please join me as I relive and revive, reviewing the birth of The Holy Spirit working within me. And as we go along, think about how your own journey began, and reflect upon the ripples in your baptism waters that have been going out into your way, going before you and preparing your race.
Let's get started:
FIRST JOURNAL ENTRY
October 2003
2Corinthians 5:7
For we walk by faith, not by sight
"I'm writing these things as a kind of examination. Sort of like an exploration and explanation of my recent studies and how my belief in God is taking shape. How it's forming for me an understanding about the meaning of life."
Question:
"I find myself asking myself, why?
Not why I'm here, but why am I questioning in the first place."
Answer:
"I suppose I'm never happy without having to prove myself to myself. I do this I imagine by trying to prove something to others. And so if I'm a Christian (as I believe) than why should I bother proving what I already know to be true? If I'm being honest I have doubts engrained into me, doubts about my own true convictions. So I'm searching and pondering. What will this achieve? Nothing new, that I'm sure of."
Let's stop there for now.
When I sat down the other day and picked up this first of many old journals, I was struck by that last comment. I remembered those days, I remembered miracles and almost daily revelations. I remembered powerful messages and a spirit of prophecy at work. Things I long for these days. And here in the midst of all that amazing wonderous ChristLight was me certain that "nothing new" was going to come from all this growth through study. Of course I know what happened following each of these entries, but I needed to put myself back into that fresh state of mind. I need to remember how confused and uncertain I was. I need to reflect upon that spirit of doubts. And I need to examine both the spirits of apostasy and unbelief that still had their grips upon me. The false gospels are always a danger, they are cheats and thieves. Deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons are unseen and they entice and delude. I was not immune to these manipulative manifestations. And I thank God that his ministering angels came and created a hedge of protection around my heart.
Prayer:
God, forgive this immature and foolish spirit of falling away. May this remembering be a shield of faith to keep me aware and keep my lamp filled. Lord always protect my heart from the Devil, that he will NEVER take away the seed that you planted within my heart. My I never fall away or get wrapped up within and wrapped around the weeds and brambles of uncertainty.
Okay let's get back into the journal entry:
"I've had this new refound love and belief in Jesus and God for much of the past five years. Brought about through perceptions and personal miracles. And now I've set out to fulfill that story. To finish it somehow. What are my goals?"
"One of critical importance to me is receiving The Holy Spirit. I suppose I feel like this will prove to me once and for all that I have truly achieved true Christianity. All other goals are unclear for now, but I believe I'll be made aware of these markers by the end of this record."
End of this first journal entry.
Conclusion:
Friends, this first entry reveals to me a believer like so many today. He's uncertain that Christ is within him. He's afraid he's just a cultural Christian. He's afraid he's in danger of messing up and falling away. He's trying to find evidence of Christ within himself. And all this might seem troubling, but I also see a believer who is asking God to show him the way. And his desire is to experience the baptism of the Holy Spirit. I see a young believer committed to fulfilling the mission.
If this seems familiar to you in your walk, please join me in this scripture prayer for myself, and for you, and all who are running this faith race, as we close out this week's devotional.
Jude
24 Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault. 25 All glory to him who alone is God, our Savior through Jesus Christ our Lord. All glory, majesty, power, and authority are his before all time, and in the present, and beyond all time! Amen.